The recollection of some time spent with her mom by a 19 yr old daughter

Blogging below the scribblings of a 20 yr old's recollection of some time spent with her mom  

before a pilgrimage trip. 

Time spent unaware that it was her last chance to interact with her mom. 

Thanks to a good memory, the scribblings were made after this fact was known.

Scribblings made in an attempt to make the grieving process easier then.  

Little did the 20 yr old realize that these very scribblings now

Would become a source of joy , the reason explained in the last paragraph of this blog!  

Amma became very spiritual during her last few days(ie. before leaving to the pilgrimage trip). She was getting ready for her pilgrimage to Bhadrinath and other places. She wanted to visit Brindavan, Gokulam and other temples again. She was inquiring everybody as to what all should be given to the people there at Bhadrinath. Her Athai(dad's sister) had called up the other day and she tactfully averted her from gossiping and instead gathered information on her Bhadrinath visit experience. Amma was telling that whenever we visit temples we have to mentally prepare ourselves a week before itself ie. be happy that we are going to see god and that we are blessed by him to have a chance to meet him. Even during a previous motor accident(read as an unfortunate incident) she had no other thoughts except for the Mennadai Annam pasuram of Andal. She did nt blame anyone for the accident and said that one's sufferings are due to one's sins. She took it lightly by saying "Pavam Kazhiyardhu"(something similar to "Sins being abolished")

I was unhappy with dad for a personal misunderstanding and as a result was not able to study properly. But Amma understood me and advised me saying that I should learn to be detached. Amma said that she had been with dad for 23 years or so and that she would not get upset over such things. Amma advised me that I should be detached from everything and do my duty as that would only help me out. Amma also added that she would not worry if I did not study well because she has read the Gita and according to that we really were not related it seems. She said that she was a jivatma and I was a jivatma and that god was everything to us. She told this looking at the picture of Lord Oppiliappan(the presiding deity of a temple in Kumbakonam, India) hung in the living room.

<!---When I read this now, must say that I listened and recollected this, whether or not I had/have the capability/maturity to understand and follow her advise in its totality -->.

Amma said that I should not grieve for dad taking away the cell(read as related to the personal misunderstanding) and should be detached from it. She wanted me to show that I can perform my duties well even without it and care a damn about it and not ask dad anything about it. This situation is very analogous to her sudden separation from me. Maybe she wanted me to show the world that I can survive even without her.

In the pasurams Amma and I were learning, "Nachiyar Thirumozhi"( in particular) narrates the pranks played by Lord Krishna.

• Krishna stealing gopika's clothes - Amma visited this place and saw the tree behind which Krishna had hid their clothes.
• Krishna dancing on the Kalinga hoods - Amma saw the river as well.
• the place where Krishna did Rasalila( I was lucky enough to see this along with Amma in her previous trip)                                                 

Amma used to sing the pasuram "Kannan Kazhalinai Ennum Mana Mudaiyir" in a very enjoyable manner. She was always excited about the phrase "Veede Peralaamae"( analogous to attaining the lord's abode). In the Aaraamude paasuram she used to say that she could feel the sweetness of the name Aara-Amudam(meaning endless nectar) while saying it. One day after the accident she said that when she thought of the pasurams she had a very different kind of feeling.

On tuesday(Amma left on Saturday morning to the airport for the trip) I was lucky enough to go for shopping with her. ( Thank god I did not mind my CAT exam preparation as I always used to do and instead accompanied her)

We first went to Mambalam where she wanted to get me Bhagavad Gita and Bhagavadam(English translation). She said that Gita press had published a cheap edition which grandpa wanted to get it seems( But he passed away before getting it). We inquired at Aruna book mart and the shop did nt have it. Then we got some Ayurvedic medicines. She told that she was very happy to do shopping with me :).

Then we went to Bhavani book store and there they luckily had Bhagavad Gita and she purchased it. She did not buy Bhagavatam since the price on it was erased with a whitener and the shopkeeper was trying to cheat her. We next went to T.Nagar Usman Road. There at Nalli 100 she got some 3-4 dhotis for the Lord. Then she got combs, mirrors etc to give to the people at Bhadrinath. She got plastic covers and plates for the trip. Then she got needles and threads to give it to those poor people at Bhadrinath for stitching clothes. She also bought a gum bottle. Then she got a slipper for her trip. She asked whether I wanted anything. I thought Amma was very sweet towards me and asked me as to what I wanted. I asked for a jute bag. Since that was not available I got a bag for college use.

Amma then enthusiastically asked whether we could go to Gautam bookstore to get Bhagavadam. By then we had boarded the auto and Amma was hungry. I felt that I would not have time to read Bhagavadam as well besides the Gita.( while she was away on her pilgrimage trip)

So I asked her as to what was the hurry? I told her that we could get it some other time.

There is no time like the present

She smiled and replied to me that "Oru Neram Pole Ennuru Neram Varaadhu"( implying something similar to "There is no time like the present"). Alas what she told turned out to be true and she cannot come and get it for me again.

She was hungry and unfortunately there was no hotel. I got a pepsi and she had some of it. Luckily we got all the items that she had written in the list for making the trip. This is a very memorable day in my life.

Due to CAT exams I could not help her much in packing and even she did not expect anything from me. Luckily after my last CAT exam I came home by PTC though none of my good friends came along. Luckily something in me told that I should follow my priorities and boarded the bus with a classmate(Shalini) of mine. I came home early and luckily she was there. It seems aunt had come to grandma's place and Amma had gone there as well, but she did nt stay there. Amma had changed a lot. If she was the same old person, she would have stayed at grandma's for some more time.

Thank god neither Amma stayed there nor I at college. Amma was surprised to see me as she did not expect me. I tried helping her with packing but by then she was almost done with it. I spent time with her and watched her check her bags and baggage.


<!--Must say, to this day, I think this day has and will be the most memorable day in my life -->

As I read today these above dear thoughts written down by me when I was 20 these below words from the book "the five people you meet in heaven" I recently read comes to my mind. Only that I am tempted to interpret it in terms of the motherly love I thought I had lost. 

Lost love is still love , Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You cannot see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. 

"Life has no end", she said. "Love doesn't"! 

The realization/reconciliation of a 26 yr old ?!?!

The End?

            

<--to be continued in next post(s)-->