The recollection of some time spent with her mom by a 19 yr old daughter

Blogging below the scribblings of a 20 yr old's recollection of some time spent with her mom  

before a pilgrimage trip. 

Time spent unaware that it was her last chance to interact with her mom. 

Thanks to a good memory, the scribblings were made after this fact was known.

Scribblings made in an attempt to make the grieving process easier then.  

Little did the 20 yr old realize that these very scribblings now

Would become a source of joy , the reason explained in the last paragraph of this blog!  

Amma became very spiritual during her last few days(ie. before leaving to the pilgrimage trip). She was getting ready for her pilgrimage to Bhadrinath and other places. She wanted to visit Brindavan, Gokulam and other temples again. She was inquiring everybody as to what all should be given to the people there at Bhadrinath. Her Athai(dad's sister) had called up the other day and she tactfully averted her from gossiping and instead gathered information on her Bhadrinath visit experience. Amma was telling that whenever we visit temples we have to mentally prepare ourselves a week before itself ie. be happy that we are going to see god and that we are blessed by him to have a chance to meet him. Even during a previous motor accident(read as an unfortunate incident) she had no other thoughts except for the Mennadai Annam pasuram of Andal. She did nt blame anyone for the accident and said that one's sufferings are due to one's sins. She took it lightly by saying "Pavam Kazhiyardhu"(something similar to "Sins being abolished")

I was unhappy with dad for a personal misunderstanding and as a result was not able to study properly. But Amma understood me and advised me saying that I should learn to be detached. Amma said that she had been with dad for 23 years or so and that she would not get upset over such things. Amma advised me that I should be detached from everything and do my duty as that would only help me out. Amma also added that she would not worry if I did not study well because she has read the Gita and according to that we really were not related it seems. She said that she was a jivatma and I was a jivatma and that god was everything to us. She told this looking at the picture of Lord Oppiliappan(the presiding deity of a temple in Kumbakonam, India) hung in the living room.

<!---When I read this now, must say that I listened and recollected this, whether or not I had/have the capability/maturity to understand and follow her advise in its totality -->.

Amma said that I should not grieve for dad taking away the cell(read as related to the personal misunderstanding) and should be detached from it. She wanted me to show that I can perform my duties well even without it and care a damn about it and not ask dad anything about it. This situation is very analogous to her sudden separation from me. Maybe she wanted me to show the world that I can survive even without her.

In the pasurams Amma and I were learning, "Nachiyar Thirumozhi"( in particular) narrates the pranks played by Lord Krishna.

• Krishna stealing gopika's clothes - Amma visited this place and saw the tree behind which Krishna had hid their clothes.
• Krishna dancing on the Kalinga hoods - Amma saw the river as well.
• the place where Krishna did Rasalila( I was lucky enough to see this along with Amma in her previous trip)                                                 

Amma used to sing the pasuram "Kannan Kazhalinai Ennum Mana Mudaiyir" in a very enjoyable manner. She was always excited about the phrase "Veede Peralaamae"( analogous to attaining the lord's abode). In the Aaraamude paasuram she used to say that she could feel the sweetness of the name Aara-Amudam(meaning endless nectar) while saying it. One day after the accident she said that when she thought of the pasurams she had a very different kind of feeling.

On tuesday(Amma left on Saturday morning to the airport for the trip) I was lucky enough to go for shopping with her. ( Thank god I did not mind my CAT exam preparation as I always used to do and instead accompanied her)

We first went to Mambalam where she wanted to get me Bhagavad Gita and Bhagavadam(English translation). She said that Gita press had published a cheap edition which grandpa wanted to get it seems( But he passed away before getting it). We inquired at Aruna book mart and the shop did nt have it. Then we got some Ayurvedic medicines. She told that she was very happy to do shopping with me :).

Then we went to Bhavani book store and there they luckily had Bhagavad Gita and she purchased it. She did not buy Bhagavatam since the price on it was erased with a whitener and the shopkeeper was trying to cheat her. We next went to T.Nagar Usman Road. There at Nalli 100 she got some 3-4 dhotis for the Lord. Then she got combs, mirrors etc to give to the people at Bhadrinath. She got plastic covers and plates for the trip. Then she got needles and threads to give it to those poor people at Bhadrinath for stitching clothes. She also bought a gum bottle. Then she got a slipper for her trip. She asked whether I wanted anything. I thought Amma was very sweet towards me and asked me as to what I wanted. I asked for a jute bag. Since that was not available I got a bag for college use.

Amma then enthusiastically asked whether we could go to Gautam bookstore to get Bhagavadam. By then we had boarded the auto and Amma was hungry. I felt that I would not have time to read Bhagavadam as well besides the Gita.( while she was away on her pilgrimage trip)

So I asked her as to what was the hurry? I told her that we could get it some other time.

There is no time like the present

She smiled and replied to me that "Oru Neram Pole Ennuru Neram Varaadhu"( implying something similar to "There is no time like the present"). Alas what she told turned out to be true and she cannot come and get it for me again.

She was hungry and unfortunately there was no hotel. I got a pepsi and she had some of it. Luckily we got all the items that she had written in the list for making the trip. This is a very memorable day in my life.

Due to CAT exams I could not help her much in packing and even she did not expect anything from me. Luckily after my last CAT exam I came home by PTC though none of my good friends came along. Luckily something in me told that I should follow my priorities and boarded the bus with a classmate(Shalini) of mine. I came home early and luckily she was there. It seems aunt had come to grandma's place and Amma had gone there as well, but she did nt stay there. Amma had changed a lot. If she was the same old person, she would have stayed at grandma's for some more time.

Thank god neither Amma stayed there nor I at college. Amma was surprised to see me as she did not expect me. I tried helping her with packing but by then she was almost done with it. I spent time with her and watched her check her bags and baggage.


<!--Must say, to this day, I think this day has and will be the most memorable day in my life -->

As I read today these above dear thoughts written down by me when I was 20 these below words from the book "the five people you meet in heaven" I recently read comes to my mind. Only that I am tempted to interpret it in terms of the motherly love I thought I had lost. 

Lost love is still love , Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You cannot see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. 

"Life has no end", she said. "Love doesn't"! 

The realization/reconciliation of a 26 yr old ?!?!

The End?

            

<--to be continued in next post(s)-->

Surfing and the game of life ...

Day 1: Sunday , the first sunrise we saw at Costa Rica

Surfing is one of the hardest sport to try. It is fascinating how parallels can be drawn between being  successful in Life and being successful in Surfing. Many virtues essential for living a good life are also needed to being good at the Surfing sport. 

Patience: It's a very hard sport to learn and could even be considered as a sport that would take a lifetime to learn. Ie. The level of pro cannot be reached within a set time limit unlike other sports. 

The more you surf, there is always something new to learn depending on the tide we encounter. 

Perseverance: Every body who tries to surf would fall the first time and umpteen times over. The ratio of successful surf could even be as bad as Thomas Edison's route to electricity discovery. i.e.: falling 1000  times and riding the wave succesfully just one time

Opportunity:  Part of the trick to successfully surfing is to wait patiently for the opportune/right wave to take the leap and attempt to surf without falling. 

Growth: The "right" wave could be compared to life's challenges or problems one can attempt to take or solve depending on one's maturity level. ie. An experienced surfer can leap on the big tides whereas a beginner would patiently wait for the smaller tides. 

Courage/ Ability to fight fears: The tides can be dawnting. Especially for a beginner who is not very familiar with swimming in the ocean. Part of the trick to success at learning to surf is to be unafraid/ avoid negative emotions such as fear of the rising tides/ fear of the unknown and taking the leap with mere trust in self.  

Practical experience:  No amount of reading alone would help one get good at surfing. No amount of training/ core conditioning/ practicing paddling on the board outside water would help as much as actually diving into the water with the board. The only way to successful surfing (just like life) is to actually take the plunge and DO it.

  

Risk: A high risk sport. Can fall off the board and sprain an ankle/ knee. The board can hit your head/cut your face. If the waters are too rough/ if we are in too deep we may even drown. 

Luck: Somedays the weather may just be plain bad with lot of high tides. This could even make it not possible to surf for the day/days in a row. Similar to life as to how we never know for sure if we will be alive the next day to get a chance to play the game of life :)!

 It is definitely not easy to understanding these realities , to accept them and keep going on and on !

But the reward, the sweet reward of doing so ................................  

  .........................is to discover your capability to Surf for Life ;).

Pura Vida! Aka 'Real Living' ....

On popular request am writing this real quick prelude post on my recent Costa Rican volunteering trip.
The trip has been the "Week of my Life" trip till date for several reasons which I will pen down in future posts soon.

However, the top most reason for me to make such a statement is mainly attributed to the wisdom/experience I feel like I gained from the trip. This below picture rightly summarizes the wisdom I gained from this memorable volunteering trip.

Wisdom from a Costa Rican Tree

Recapturing these above pearls of wisdom in case the lettering is not clear in the picture for chance blog readers !

Stand tall and proud

Sink your roots into the earth

Be content with your natural beauty

Go out on a limb

Drink plenty of water

Remember your roots

Enjoy the view!

And yea, the reason for such a short prelude post about such a super hyped trip that totally psyched me?
Hmm .. have 'nt you read about the profound statement made by great Shakespeare in Hamlet ~ one of the most powerful ancient plays?
                           
                              Well it goes something like this, and guess it makes a lot of sense too ;)

...................................................................Brevity is the Soul of Wit !!

Nurturing Girl Cells and Remembering the International Women's day

International Women's Day (IWD), originally called International Working Women’s Day, is celebrated today on March 8 every year. In different regions the focus of the celebrations ranges from general celebration of respect, appreciation and love towards women to a celebration for women's economic, political and social achievements. 

Watching this below video today in particular inspired me to write in this post in a spirit of remembering Women's day. This is one of those rare videos where am able to completely relate to each and every word of the speaker.


These below words in particular caught my attention!

Embrace your inner girl!
Embrace the Girl Cell which is a composition of compassion, empathy, passion, vulnerability, openness, intensity, intuition which is essential to balance, wisdom , which is in all of us, which is the future of all of us. 
Indeed compassion informs wisdom, 
Vulnerability is our greatest strength and 
Emotions have inherent logic which lead to radical appropriate saving action.
Capacity for girls to overcome situations and to move on levels is mind blowing! Being a girl is indeed so powerful!

I AM AN EMOTIONAL CREATURE
I love being a girl.
I can feel what you're feeling
as you're feeling it inside the feeling before.
I am an emotional creature.
Things do not come to me
as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.
They pulse through my organs and legs
and burn up my ears.
I know when your girlfriend's really pissed off
even though she appears to give you what you want.
I know when a storm is coming.
I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air.
I can tell you he won't call back.
It's a vibe I share.
I am an emotional creature.
I love that I do not take things lightly.
Everything is intense to me.
The way I walk in the street.
The way my mother wakes me up.
The way I hear bad news.
The way it's unbearable when I lose.
I am an emotional creature.
I am connected to everything and everyone.
I was born like that.
Don't you dare say all negative that it's a teenage thing or it's only only because I'm a girl.
These feelings make me better.
They make me ready.
They make me present.
They make me strong.
I am an emotional creature.
There is a particular way of knowing.
It's like the older women somehow forgot.
I rejoice that it's still in my body.
I know when the coconut's about to fall.
I know that we've pushed the earth too far.
I know my father isn't coming back.
That no one's prepared for the fire.
I know that lipstick means more than show.
I know that boys feel super-insecure
and so-called terrorists are made, not born.
I know that one kiss can take away all my decision-making ability
and sometimes, you know, it should.
This is not extreme.
It's a girl thing.
What we would all be if the big door inside us flew open.
Don't tell me not to cry.
To calm it down
Not to be so extreme
To be reasonable.
I am an emotional creature.
It's how the earth got made.
How the wind continues to pollinate.
You don't tell the Atlantic ocean to behave.
I am an emotional creature.
Why would you want to shut me down or turn me off?
I am your remaining memory.
I am connecting you to your source.
Nothing's been diluted.
Nothing's leaked out.
I can take you back.
I love that I can feel the inside of the feelings in you,
even if it stops my life
even if it hurts too much
or takes me off track
even if it breaks my heart.
It makes me responsible.
I am an emotional
I am an emotional, devotional,
incandotional, creature.
And I love, hear me,
love love love being a girl.

So true! Very well said Eve Ensler!

These below thoughts raced across my mind as I watched this video in total agreement. Well I am not afraid anymore to openly admit that there has been those

Days where I had not been comfortable with my emotionality. 

Days when my tears were washed away in restroom waters or wiped away secretly in my pillow at bedtime.

Days were I wished I was little more light hearted like I was told or expected to be. 

Days were I hoped that I could have cried little less and perhaps saved some energy over every real and imagined problem/hurt. 

Days that made me wonder what is all this intuition, passion, openness, intensity, empathy, compassion, vulnerability within me for. 

Am sure every girl out there would agree with me (atleast to some extent) on these above thoughts. But over these years as I travel a bit and see reality around me, listen to some heart wrenching stories of people around me and watch inspiring videos like the above one,  am indeed amazed at my ability to feel what other people feel whether or not I have directly experienced the same emotions. Am realizing these very qualities of a real girl are indeed her source of strength and not something to be embarrassed about.

Am glad have finally moved over my fears and am willingly admitting embracing the Girl Cells within me. 

Yes, This is indeed what makes 

the REAL ME !

Every girl a REAL GIRL! and ....

Every human being a REAL HUMAN BEING!

In fact, having tasted it's power I feel like going one step further now. I feel like nurturing these cells and hope they thrive and grow to become my entire being, nay the entire cosmos as opposed to just being a single chip/ cell within me :)!

This realization has indeed made me Awaken from the delusional expectation that some outside entity might come to turn every tear of mine into a smile or every dream of mine into reality. 

Must say, I value each and every tear drop I have had to shed in my life so far as much as I cherish the moments of laughter in my life. I understand it might be weird or frightening to value/cherish tear drops just as much as laughter. But the reward, the sweet reward of doing so ................................

 .........................is to discover your capability to convert every tear drop into a waterfall ;).

This one is for all those girls out there who have not realized the power of embracing their Girl Cells.
This one is for the few good men out there who have their inner Girl Cells activated.
This one is in the hope that every chance blog reader realizes the importance of nurturing their inner Girl Cells just like I did :).



Being a girl is indeed great since I know for sure that I can get away by writing such an honest open emotional post. In fact I may even be more appreciated than ridiculed by society for being open and emotional as opposed to these coming from a guy  ;)

And yea, a real girl knows that this one kiss can take away all her decision making capability and like Eve Ensler says it probably should! ;)

                                                             Happy Women's day folks!